The Earth IS flat, Jacob fell off the edge...

I have a brother named Jacob. Isn't he adorable?? (See below, his gesture indicates that he has just successfully performed a magic trick.) Once upon a time, Jacob departed his hometown in order to pursue his undergraduate degree in Colorado. After several months there, he decided/realized that due to his new dwelling location, he was superior to all those who did not share his new locale, PARTICULARLY those from southern Indiana. Poo poo to you poor suckers in SI!!! However, this did not make him a snob, no no... Around this time, he also ceased all communications with those undesirable souls who chose to live in their respective inferior locations around the country and globe. Once again, according to him, this did not indicate that he was a snobby little punk. Everyone knows there is NO way to communicate other than with "lost" cell phones, "broken" computers, and "missing" cars...

Alas, I attempted to determine why my precious baby brother had fallen off the edge of the earth, so I sent him this multiple-choice email with all the reasons I could think of:
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1) Too busy. (Discussion: believed to be a bullshit theory, poor excuse, not specific enough, ie - busy with what?? )

2) New girlfriend. (Discussion: could easily be a subset of the "too busy" excuse. The real question here is, would this girlfriend be incredibly insecure, requiring your full attention be devoted to her and ABSOLUTELY no one else??? Or are you just preoccupied with all those long walks on the beach and romantic candle-lit dinners?? hmm.... this excuse could also have many different possibilities.)

3) Cult. (Discussion: We can all easily picture you with a shaved head, in a robe, hawking flowers at the Denvah airport. Well, at least I can. And it would be funny. Balan-sing. Balan-sing. Probably some liberal-ass cult that doesn't believe in paying taxes....)

4) Arms dealer. (Discussion: Again, very anti-"The Man," and a money-making venture as well. Not sure how you would get involved in such an activity, but may deal with your Korean contacts at the local liquor store. Anyounghaseyo mutha efffah!)

5) Sleeping with Crazy English Professor. (Discusson: You are the perfect target for today's modern stressed-out Mrs. Robinson. Now she has you in her hippie dungeon grading papers 24-7)

6) Drug Dealer. (Discussion: Now you're too busy countin' yo benjamins and sippin' on a Forty to email anyone in your poor family. As with the arms dealing, you are a very entreprenurial fellow, so any money-making scheme will do, more likely illegal ones of course)

7) Amish. (Discussion: Of course! This makes perfect sense, you have a nice biblical name like Jacob - so you've grown a beard, bought a cow, and have sworn off using any evil technology like computers or cell phones - my letter from you via carrier pigeon should arrive any day now..... )

8) Matis-Jake-hoo. (Discussion: much like the one above, except you've gone the Hisidic Jew route (spelling???). Anyway, that, and now you're recording your debut album "Live at Lawrenceson Hall." And you just look so cute wearing that little hat)

9) Time Ma-chine. (Discussion: you are the quintesstional little "mad professor" - I can definitly picture you resembling Mr. Einstein as an older gentlemen. Just tinkering around with some old computer parts, some gum, and a microwave in your dorm room you have accidentally transported yourself 3 thousand years into the past, where you are now worshipped by an ancient Coloradan-Indian tribe that believes you are the Sun-god.)

10) Monkeys. (Discussion: Not sure where I'm going with this one, but I can only imagine the hillarity that would ensue when your 10 rabid pet monkeys plot against you and make you a prisoner in your own dorm room. Perhaps you were raising them in another one of your crazy money-making ventures, to support your raging Diet Coke habit of course. In this scenario I also picture you wearing a funny little hat, along with perhaps a little vest as well to match the monkeys. They will finally release you once the banana supply runs low.)